Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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