i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
