You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
