i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
