I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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