Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
