Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
organizing the empties. That sober.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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