The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
