i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I puked a lego.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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