Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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