I can't watch pbs sober anymore
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
