I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
