We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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