bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
