i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
barbara walters just said penis...
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Randomize
