Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
too bad you live with your parents still
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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