Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
