I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
