my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
