You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
