i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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