just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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