There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
