He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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