apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
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Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
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Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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