I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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