my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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