This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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