I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
