Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
a search helicopter?!
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
