Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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