Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
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In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
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Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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