mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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