Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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