I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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