Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
