The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
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