Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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