one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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