i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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