Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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