Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
