Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
