Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
