Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
