Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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