when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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