i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I think my vagina is haunted
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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