ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
