i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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