"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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