anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
