My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
