i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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