Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I still have a little drunk in my system
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
