Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
